Things to do with your hands

The collapse of our manufacturing industries has left us with time on our free hands, but never fear - the redundant appendages may be put to good use. Here are some handy tips:

1)  when exiting a car, shop, cafe, house or place of worship, immediately fire up your mobile device and avidly peruse the screen - you might have missed an important trend, heaven forfend!

2)  carry a container,  bearing a well-advertised logo,  full of fairly rough tasting, rapidly cooling coffee. 

3) carry some food wrapped in paper and eat as you walk along - an old favourite in the days of fish 'n ' chips but now encompassing kebabs, sausage rolls, pizza, pies, wraps, baps..............

Safety warning The simultaneous application of any of the above should not be attempted unless you are a master and enjoy having your smart phone covered in coffee or grease.

Infectations 2

a) Tinted rear windows

You are not a celebrity, not even a minor one, and even if you were, no-one could see you, so they wouldn't know you were there. Is that clear?

b) "Baby On Board" car sticker

Oh, clever old you. Had a baby AND bought a car? 

a) + b) as a combination

Excusable if you have a really ugly little spud.

It's the little things that cheer me up......

Infectations (invented affectations)

Straight sided sunglasses.

As worn by women, they have added another dimension to the established art of hair fussing, being showily pushed up onto the head at the slightest whim, even when the sun is REALLY strong (which is the only time you need sun-glasses anyway).

Also a must for shaven-headed or naturally bald men, where the side-pieces can glide smoothly over the  temples and up onto the glistening bonce, these bins are frequently sported upside-down on the BACK of the head, particularly on cricket caps or by persons wearing vests and shorts.

Huge bunches of keys

'This is the house, this is the office, this is the gym, this is the car, this is....." 

Particularly nasty when adorned with rubber thingies like Smurfs or St. Chris and left dangling from the ignition, threatening to break your knees. Just keep adding to the collection until one day you lose the entire lot, THEN you'll regret it.

Pushing an all-terrain baby conveyor while talking on the 'phone

Why - can't it wait? A danger to peace-loving pedestrians, this activity should be as illegal as using a mobile in a car, with the added bonus that the suspects will be much easier to catch.

Pushing an all-terrain baby conveyor while texting

Can't knock that - too damned clever.

When did all this start? 

The Unholy Trinity:

Health and Safety - an excuse to do nothing and persuade others to do the same - safely mind!

Human Resources  - previously known as the personnel and wages department,  'HR' seemed sexier.

Management Waffle. DOC -  many words, nothing meaningful, presented  in a tastefully formatted way.

The changing world of accountancy:

 2013: "As an accountant in today’s world, you rarely spend all your time in the office. Being able to access your mission critical applications and data on the move will really help you stay ahead"

19.. "You're going out on an audit. Put this text book in your briefcase."